Blown Opportunities

I never blew anybody worthwhile. I realized this yesterday. My friend's novel is being submitted to a literary agent by a girl who's sure the agent will read it, because she's blown him. There’s no one I can say that about.

You know, as a young lady, you try to pick out the ones who are going to be somebody, like guys in bands, popular guys, the handsome ones, the ones who are good at sports. But I came up wrong across the board. Not one of them amounted to anything worthwhile to me. And we're in our 40s now so they've had plenty of time. Sure there are a few lawyers here and there, but no one who could do me any good. No agents, no one who could fund a startup or bankroll a fashion line, no one famous and certainly no one who could get my novel published, or even read.

And what really sucks is that all my life I've secretly been in love with the lanky, backpack toting, science nerds. I'd go to my classes early if Physics, or something sciencey, was the class before mine. I'd swoon over the nerds as they shuffled out of the classroom, their corduroy pants making that "zuh zuh" noise as they went by. Watching them gave me a feeling that I could only describe as "thrilling". I thought it was the attraction/repulsion thing but dammit, now I know it was the animal nose of my ambition telling me that's who I should blow.

The geeks I secretly adored, and yet would only be friends with, have become CEOs, Hollywood producers, computer geniuses, and plastic surgeons. Most of them are already financially independent. They're jetting around the world, making the deals that mean something. While the recipients of my blowing efforts are providing shitty service at Kinko's.

If there is one thing I could do for my life, one thing that would make all of my efforts fruitful, all the humiliation and unpleasantness worth something, I'd go back in time and I would blow those nerds.

No. Stop. I can't take it!!!

Between these boots and the zebra jumpsuit, it's as if the very gods of rock and roll themselves are bootie calling me to start a KISS style girl band.

And I thought the burning bush was crazy.

Lord Help Me

to not buy this!

Why am I so attracted to it? Is it the sheer audacity of it's ugliness?

Woudn't it be the perfect hostess dress? The minute someone walked into my house they'd take one look at me and my outfit would scream "PAR-TAY!" right in their face!

Traitor

I thought I was loyal. I thought I could be trusted, but after 20 years of devotion to Grapenuts it took only a passing comment by my friend’s hippy mom to get me to toss them aside. Now I love Kashi 7 Whole Grain Nuggets, so don’t be surprised if you see us out together.

She says that Grapenuts are so processed you can’t really digest them and they mess with your blood sugar. I have big problems with blood sugar. Once, due to low blood sugar, I was trapped inside a car I had owned for 6 years because I couldn’t remember how to work the door locks. Low blood sugar has also been known to make me get lost within a block or two of my house, and to step straight out into on coming traffic.

So be forewarned, if we’re ever in a death camp together, I’m going to be a total mess. Oh, and I might sell you out.

Lazy for You

All those days I spent awake, working away in an office, produced hardly more than some well filed papers. But these days, when I wake up around 11:30, never leave the house, and nap from about 3 until my husband gets home to take me out to dinner, have produced invaluable creations and discoveries that are a benefit to all of humanity.

For instance, once when I was really hungry and all I had in the house was potatoes, but I was too lazy to go to the store and too hungry to wait the time it takes to boil a potato, I invented the recipe for Quick Potatoes, and here I give it to you for free:
1. Put the potatoes in water.
2. Boil them until you can't stand it anymore.
3. Take them out of the water and cut off any part of the potato that has cooked.
4. Eat 'em up.

Also, my laziness has directly contributed to exciting innovations in the area of new cocktail recipes. Because I don't really leave the house, I'm usually short on mixers. Though I always somehow seem to have vodka around. So recently when guests stopped by and all I had on hand, besides vodka, was Lipton's canned iced tea, I broke through the conventions of cocktails that have come before and invented a new drink called the "Trailer Trash Toddy". That the drink sucked only added to the authenticity of my invention because one of the guests confirmed that living in a trailer also sucked. And, yet another time, I discovered that if you don't have Lipton's canned iced tea on hand, Mountain Dew and vodka sucks too.

But I would have to say that my regularly bad-mouthed lifestyle has contributed most to humanity in the area of safety. Because of my courage to follow a less common path, we all now know that if you're out of shaving cream, and too lazy to go to the store, you should NOT try to shave your legs with that old free sample of sex lube lying around at the bottom of your drawer. It sounds like a perfectly good idea, but it isn't. The razor burn is severe and it turns into a thick scab that prevents you from wearing skirts or shorts for weeks. Unless you're willing to try to pass it off as a birthmark.

So next time you catch yourself looking down on the lazy, stop and be thankful that some of us are brave enough to move beyond the lemming's path of false productivity that you've chosen.

Ideas for Orifices

I was thinking about makeup the other day. Since I fell in love with Adam Ant I've never been satisfied with conventional makeup, and honestly I find conventional ideas of beauty oppressive and boring.

Recently I pondered "what is makeup"? In the moment or two I gave to this question I decided that it's the accentuation of features, orifices in particular, ex. eyes & mouth. Given that, why should I be limited to the traditional orifices?

So yesterday, during my daily avoidance of housewife duties, I trounced the traditional rules of orifice accentuation. (Actually there's been a revolution on the home front, I have decided to toss the term "housewife" and go with "houseloiterer". Not only is it more truthful, it takes the pressure off. I'm sure the hub will be in full support.)

1. After a subtle complexion refining makeup application I outlined my nostrils with a lovely Tiffany blue makeup pencil. The result was both elegant and challenging.

2. I realized that my bellybutton is an orifice. My bellybutton has always made me laugh, the only body manipulation I ever considered was having my bellybutton cosmetically removed. I thought it would be funny and I was in a punk rock "I'm not a part of this f**ked up world!" stage. So I took out my trusty Coco Red lipstick and lined my bellybutton with it. It was unexpectedly shocking, especially since I'm about as tan as whole milk. It looked overly sexual and yet disturbing like a gash, in other words, perfect!

I'll post pictures of my innovations as soon as I can wrestle the camera from my husband.

I think I just saved the environment

I grew up in Marin where we'd have a drought every couple of years that was so bad we'd be forced to choose between showering or flushing, so I'm always thinking green. And I love trees so I worry about them being used up. It's a problem I've been trying to solve and I think I may have just done it:

What is one material that there seems to be an endless supply of, that is absorbent, strong, and reusable? Cotton underwear. (I bet you guessed that).

All the time I walk into thrift stores and see used undies for sale. Now, I personally object to the purchase of used undies for the purpose of wearing BUT what about using them for hand towels instead of paper? Or how about stiffening them up and using them to write on? With just the right amount of starch they could easily go through a printer. As toilet paper, they could be washed, bleached and used again. And remember those old hand drying towels that were one continuous sheet of cotton, and you pulled on it to get a clean patch? It would be so easy to sew a bunch of pairs of discarded tightie-whities together to be used in the exact same way. Hell, the stretchy waste band would make them perfect toilet seat covers.

It might sound weird, but you're going to have to get ready to embrace new ideas. Saving our environment is going to take some truly "out of the box" (or out of the boxer) thinking.

Do Nothing Half-Assed

I just quit my job. My boss was nice and the work was fine but something happened that put students, of the school I was working for, in danger of physical harm. Ever since that I just couldn't give my best to the job. Everyone said I should keep it "it's a great situation, you get to work at home, you make decent money and you only have to dial it in."

The dialing it in part is what I couldn't deal with. I've always tried to do my best at everything I do. I felt like a total wuss for leaving my job just because I couldn't give it my best especially since it was very clear I could be successful without giving it my all. And isn't that what work is supposed to be about? Giving the least and getting the most? Not for me.

Just knowing I was going to do something half-assed ruined my day. Every morning I'd wake up at 7am and think about my day, then I'd remember the work I was going to dial in and think "fuck it" and go back to sleep.

My whole life feels better now that I quit. Sure I may still be a wuss but when I wake up in the morning and think of what I have to do that day, I get excited and bounce out of bed.

Doing one thing in your life half-assed is like adding the tiniest bit of barf to your coffee, no matter how little there is, it ruins the whole thing.

The Logic Diet

I've invented a new diet. Logically it should work great. It's based on these two facts: 
1. It's been proven that in times of plenty the body burns fat, while in times of famine the body stores fat. 
and
2. If you hypnotize someone into thinking that they're being burned, they'll produce a blister without any heat coming anywhere near them. 

I live in a pretty faminesque state of mind, I'm always worried that I'll be jobless or homeless or globally warmed to death, so it would be a pretty big change for me to believe I'm living in a time of plenty.

If I can make that change, and hypnotize myself into to believing in the plentyness, my body should start burning up fat like crazy. Isn't logic great! One thing I've really got going for me is the ability to believe in things regardless of fact.

I'm not sure if it's working yet, but yesterday, I beheld a feeling of Plenty while I ate a bunch of pizza and chocolate truffles, and I tell you, it felt like the pounds were just melting off of me.

Sleep - Freedom's Last Virgin Wilderness

Society wants to make me feel bad about sleeping all the time. Apparently I'm supposed to feel lazy (which for some reason has a negative connotation) because I go to be at 10p.m., don't get up until 11:30a.m. and nap from 4 to 7p.m. 

Why? you ask. Why do they care? I'll tell you why. It's because sleep is the last untouched wilderness of Freedom. They can tax tobacco, illegalize drugs, and throw you in jail for drinking booze but there is nothing they can do to regulate your sleep. 

Oh but they try. Making everything so expensive that we have to work all the time, waking up early and going to bed late, is nothing more than an attempt to control our sleep. Still though, there is no direct route they can take to regulate it. 

Why is sleep so threatening? Think of this: if you had to choose between supporting the current government and being able to sleep, which would you choose? See?

Also, sleep keeps me from contributing to money transfers that are essential to funding our current society.
For example:
1. When I'm sleeping I'm not eating. So I'm dieting without the aid of diet programs, pills, or professionals.
2. I age slower because I'm conscious less often. Hence I'm not getting plastic surgery or buying anti-aging products.
3. It brings me closer to my dream of dying peacefully in my sleep (let me explain the logic here: if you want to die in a clown suit wear the clown suit a lot). If I die peacefully in my sleep they're going to miss out on all the money I'd have to spend on doctors, medicine and hospitalization.

You see, when I sleep I don't just do it for my own benefit, I do it for Freedom. Feel free to thank me between 12 and 3p.m., when I'm awake.

My Dog the Pop Icon

She's only 2 years old and she's already influenced metal band aesthetics.

It's probably only days until Sienna Miller picks up this look.

Mastering the Clear Bag

My friends say to me "Babe, I love those clear bags but I can't carry one because everyone will see the embarrassing stuff I carry".

To which I say "RIGHT ON!"

Currently I'm carrying my clear bag filled with empty pill capsules that I bought online. There is nothing as glamorous as trying to dig your lipstick out of a pile of pills. Nothing. Just think of it, when you're looking for your lipstick you can have stunned bystanders hold fists full of your pills while you look. What better way to make friends?

When I get tired of the pills I'm going to fill it with tampons.

Then maybe empty prescripton bottles or orange ear plugs? Condoms? M&Ms? The possibilities are endless.

Black is the new fanny pack

I rest my case.